the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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