It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
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