Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
