i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
