end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Randomize
