perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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