hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
