I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
