While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
