the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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