There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Why is your signature on my underwear?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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