That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
