Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
