my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
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if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
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Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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