If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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