I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
