He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
