Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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