I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
He passed out mid-signature
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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