if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
