I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
