Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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