The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
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and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
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Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another