Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man