Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.