Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
My bed is full of blood and feathers
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
