Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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