I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
You smell like stripper and shame
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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