if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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