my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
