I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
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I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
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I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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