I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
