U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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