Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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