if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
