so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
