The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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