the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
