Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
