I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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