the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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