So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
you made out with another girl for some wings
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
