I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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