where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
