I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
