i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
it's like iHOP with fire
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
