You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
