My friends, they love my intelligence
Are we in a gay sports bar?
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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