i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
