I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
