I'd wear matching sweaters with you
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Randomize
