Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
