I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
