I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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