i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
