I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
