I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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