Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I'm really busy with my period
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