every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
