Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
